For those of you not already following; you can stay in touch with Ethan’s journey to greater independence via his page
Help me walk
Healing
I can’t say it any better than with this song:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=New8i_eX3x8&client=mv-vf-uk&safesearch=always 
This Easter: God has brought healing to our soul. He has blessed us with a perfect little gift from above. A true miracle. She is just perfect and has brought such happiness and healing to our home. All glory to him. Thank you God.
Until we meet again, this little girl has the most special guardian angel watching over her from heaven.
Family
I will update this blog as time goes on but for now… See song below ❤️
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clcNB_EUao8&sns=em
We are going to enjoy making memories & being a family. Xxx
A bump in the road
So we made it past the one year mark without any hospital admissions or the need for any medications which was amazing.
Sadly Ethan is now an inpatient in Sick Children’s RVH.
The past year has been very challenging for Andrew and I. We have always kept our life very private and never liked turning to social media to vent our stress or worries when things got tough. But the urgent need for prayer for Ethan at this time has brought us to open that book again.
Ethan was in hospital for just over a week but thankfully is now home to be followed up in the weeks & months ahead. We are starting a new journey with different medications to hopefully prevent Ethan developing epilepsy. Continued prayer for our little warrior are really needed at this time.
Nothing’s going to knock me down…. Still smiling
No 11. Making a difference
*** Update on fundraising -Following a cheque from Moyallon Primary School for £575: The final amount raised was £2,500.***
A cheque for £2,000 will be presented to Neonatal on Lukes one year anniversary 27.2.16. The other £500 is being donated to Buddy Bear conductive education Trust, who help so many babies suffering from movement difficulties often resulting from premature birth. Both in memory of Luke. I will post a picture of the presentation. Thank you!!
World Prematurity Day: 17.11.15
Please give a few moments for the video to load.
In memory of our beautiful son Luke Parks, I am trying to raise as much money as possible (within the 30 day limit) for the Perinatal Trust Fund NI (Belfast Neonatal).
Is this money really needed?
Why should we help?
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tw-retqxZ1w
Sometimes it’s difficult to imagine how small and vulnerable premature babies are unless you have witnessed it. Ethan was born at 28weeks and weighed 1288g (2lb 13oz) so whilst he was incredible small, amazingly a few little ones next to him in the unit weighed just 500g!
I don’t remember the actual date that the photograph below was taken but I know it was at least 3-4 weeks after he was born. You can see the size of Ethan next to a standard Bic pen. I remember being so fearful of infection that I popped the pen into his incubator so quickly to take the photo but didn’t take the time to reposition it so it was level with his head. If it was you would see that he is practically the same length as the pen!
I recal many parents who put their wedding ring around their baby’s leg and watch it slip right up to their hip. They really are that small but absolutely perfect in every way. Tiny, fragile and battling for life.
This picture was taken just this week, Ethan is 10 months ‘actual’ age. You can see how the Bic pen compares to his size now! Such a journey of growth.
Neonatal Intensive Care costs around £1,500 per day for each baby and the average stay is 3 months! The 10 dedicated ICU cots in Belfast are in high demand and are always full every day of the year. They admit 600 babies in neonatal in the Royal Hospital every year!! For every single one of these parents who are thrown into this lonely and stressful world, life is transported into a bubble that changes you forever.
In memory of Ethan’s twin brother Luke and all the other beautiful angels who didn’t make it, I would like to raise as much money as possible which will all be dedicated to helping these little Heros right here in Northern Ireland.
I initially set a target of £250 but quickly realised the generosity of so many meant I could raise this immediately to £750. Together we managed to smash this target within 24 hours which was incredible!
I’m hoping people continue to get behind this worthy and needy cause and the fundraising continues to exceed our expectations. How wonderful would it be to raise the equivalent of just one day of ICU care £1,500! Please like and share to hopefully make this possible.
Please please keep donating. Every penny counts. ❤️
Please take a moment to listen to the separate interview clips recorded by this inspirational couple, who helped Andrew and I tremendously having walked an identical path just a few months before us. We have met some great friends for life through our journey.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=PLQ3rXBr3dKna2x-1kbVLTSQMjNcsmuO7A&v=dRSLE4vcd0w&feature=youtu.be
Thank you all so much. As we approach the twins first birthday in the New Year it is humbling to think that in Luke’s memory, we can really help to make a difference to so many babies just like him in the future.
https://crowdfunding.justgiving.com/zoe-parks
We have only got to the beginning of December to donate …Please if you can, do it for Luke xxx 
No. 10 Luke’s Legacy
God is close to the broken hearted. He is true to that promise. He continues to hold things together even when it feels like everything is falling apart.
https://crowdfunding.justgiving.com/zoe-parks
I had my beautiful twin boys on 12 January 2015. Luke was first born at 0853am weighing 786g. It was clear from the very start that he wasn’t going to give up and was a courageous little fighter.
Doctors didn’t think that Luke would survive the first night but he fought an incredible battle for amost 2 months. He didn’t want to leave us or his twin brother Ethan!! During this precious time, I was able to change his nappy, hold his hand, give him kangaroo cuddles, sing him songs and see his beautiful eyes. These are memories that I will treasure forever.
As we approach one year since the twins were born, I would like to raise as much as possible for the Perinatal Trust Fund NI (RVH Neonatal ICU) in memory of Luke.
I know that Christmas is an expensive time for everyone, but this year instead of sending us a Christmas card, I would be so grateful if all our friends, family and anyone who has been touched by our story could just make a small donation (£1 is all that’s needed) on my Just Giving page.
Luke spent almost 50 days in Neonatal ICU receiving the best possible medical care 24/7. He was placed in an incubator beside his brother (see above) and monitored round the clock.
During his time in ICU, he received many expensive medications, blood transfusions and the best medical expertise from many different specialists including paediatricians, neonatologists, cardiologists, surgeons and opthamologists. We will forever be indebted to these doctors for all their efforts and expertise.
All money raised will be presented to Dr Mayes and Dr Tubman in the Royal Neonatal and will be dedicated to helping purchase equipment, supporting the training of staff and promoting research into problems of newborn babies in Northern Ireland. The RVH neonatal is also a centre of excellence and so is heavily involved in clinical research, thus helping sick babies all over the world.
No one ever expects to have a premature baby but when it happens, we all want the best possible care for our babies. The RVH work tirelessly to make sure this remains possible.
On a personal level, Dr Tubman has very kindly offered to place a plaque within the Neonatal Unit in memory of our beautiful son Luke. This means so much to us and will be a lasting tribute to his memory.
By donating, you can help us make sure Luke makes a difference to many more sick babies just like him in the future.
https://crowdfunding.justgiving.com/zoe-parks
No. 9 The smallest things
It’s been six months since the birth of the twins. Six months was the length of my pregnancy which still sounds so wrong. Sadly my boys had to be born too soon. Six months on….and things are slowing becoming our new normal.
We love celebrating new milestones with Ethan although tinged with sadness of being unable to also share these with Luke. Dylan has been amazing as he constantly talks about his brother Luke which helps us all to keep his memory alive. Kids are simply incredible.
One of the main positives over the last 6 months is that I have become close friends with many mummy’s including many who have also gained an angel. All these little ones are playing up above with Luke: Jared, Josh, Sid, Harley, Melissa, (all also survived by their twin) and singleton Michael. It’s such great support to help each other and always celebrate our little angels.
After 6 months, the mark of our NICU journey remains with me. It never leaves and I suspect it never will. There is always something to trigger a thought associated with the 50+ days, comblating in vivid flashbacks and intrusive memories. However I am intent on creating new, happy memories for our future which will always include our memories of Luke. Having a premature baby means you have a “baby” for much longer since they develop in accordance with their corrected, as opposed to actual age. We are enjoying every day with him, so thankful that he is with us. So whilst this weekend marks 6 months, Ethan is only reaching the equivalent of 3 months of age & already full of fun. 
The smallest things have really made a difference to us over the last 6 months: The doctor who understands your baby will not be meeting their 6 week check milestones… As they haven’t even reached their due date. The friends who realise that just because you are home, the journey is far from over. The health visitor who really asks how you are, who listens and wants to hear your story. The doctor who realises that to a preemie or a preemie mum, a cold is not just a simple cold. It’s amazing how much I took for granted the first time around and this time the smallest things are the biggest victories!
It has been a steep learning curve and we are now fluent in a new neonatal language. Myriads of acronyms dance around our heads: I feel confident I could audition for a part in Holby City! We are still on this journey with Ethan which undoubtedly has engendered more fear and worry but we know with all the love and support he will continue to fight & beat the odds.
17
October 2015:
Ethan is 9 months (6 months corrected). Your prayers are still very much needed. Please pray my little miracle overcomes the odds against him. Thank you ❤️
“Before the Morning”
Another very special song shared with me by a great friend which means alot to me. It reminds me to keep going..
No. 8 My growing miracle
Tiny beginnings 
I didn’t know a lot about premature babies until now. The inherent risks associated are real and unfortunately don’t all disappear when you leave hospital. I will upload more pictures over the next few weeks/months as Ethan grows bigger & stronger. This week Ethan is the adjusted age of 3 weeks old & weighs in at 11lb 11oz!! His age will be “corrected” until he is at least 2 years old. I look forward to celebrating the days when he meets his milestones: even if I have to wait longer for him to reach them. He will have all the love & support of his family and I am confident he will lead a full and happy life. 💙
💙A little tribute: 💙👼💙http://flipagram.com/f/PysxRy3RPO
“If you learn to trust me, really trust me, with your whole being, then nothing can separate you from my peace. Everything you endure can be put to good use by allowing it to train you in trusting me. This is how you foil the works of evil, growing in grace through the very adversity that was meant to harm you. Do not fear for what this day or any day may bring your way. Concentrate on trusting me and doing what needs to be done. Relax in my sovereignty, remembering that I go before you, as well as with you, into each day. Fear no evil, for I can bring good out of every situation you will ever encounter.” (Gen 50:20/ Psalm 23:4)
“What do you do when you lose a baby, a twin, when everything around reminds you of him. How is so much pain in this life ever part of your plan, when you could have stopped it before it even began. Do you really believe I can handle all you have allowed me to walk through, while still fully and faithfully believing and trusting in you. What happens to me when everyone else has moved on and I’m left with the brokenness and grief of losing my son?”
“My child I know your heart breaks and the pain seems too much to bear. I heard your desperate pleas to save your child, in that moment I was right there. And although it doesn’t seem right to lose a life so precious and so pure. I must tell you some things of which you can be sure. I know the end from the beginning so you can fear not, for I am God and I am with you don’t try to understand, because my ways are higher than yours, and my plan is without flaw I am God and you must not forget that it was my son I gave to redeem you from the law. See you were bought with a price and it came at a high cost. I know the pain of losing a son but it was worth the price to save the lost. His life was perfect but his job was done. This is the same for this story, this is the same for your son. I work all things together for good, because you love me and you know that death is not the end you can have the peace knowing that you can see your son again. You are blessed in your mourning and you will be comforted, so that you may comfort others, You have walked an uncommon road and journey that I have not called for most mothers. As you continue in this life walk by faith and not by sight and when I call you home it is only then that you will fully realise that everything is indeed alright.”
✏️ MAY 2015….✏️
Some people have said to me; God doesn’t give you more than you can handle or this is what God has given you (so he’ll bring you through). I’ve reflected a lot on these statements as if I’m completely honest with myself, when this is said, It really hurts.
I find it very difficult to believe that God “choose” for me to suffer and to lose my son, or that he wanted me to sit for 7 weeks in intensive care facing life or death moments for both boys and an uncertain future. Instead I believe we live in an imperfect world where tragic things happen every day. Parents lose children or cancer strikes and whilst this was not part of God’s original plan, the way of the imperfect world in which we live in, regrettably means it is part of this life. God is NOT the creator of suffering. What I firmly believe however is that God will be there to guide us through the troubled times, bringing comfort and strength. While we don’t see the bigger picture now, God will bring all things together for good in the end.
No. 7. The little hand that needs me
As we approach my actual due date for the twins (6april), it’s difficult not to reflect on the last 3 months which have changed my life forever. There were meant to be two….my twins. Yet just 4 weeks ago, at 7 weeks old, Luke gained his angel wings. The reality of what has happened is still hard for me to bear….but I’m getting there.
Life in neonatal still haunts me. I don’t doubt it will for some time to come. No one can explain the ongoing trauma & emotional stress that bears down on your shoulders. It is by far the most challenging experience of my life so far. It is the first time I have experienced real trauma and what can only be described as the internal scream: when you are so traumatised you scream but no sound comes. My main support came from other parents. I have spoken to many since and they have all said they found the same sollice in those chats over coffee in the parents room. That support network is so important and something we are keen to preserve for others coming behind us. What also helped was the times when a doctor or nurse would take a moment of their time to get to know us, to show us that our babies meant something and that they will be remembered.
Ethan was discharged from hospital on the 3 March and it has been fantastic having him home with us. He has thrived since coming home and now weighs an amazing 8lb 5oz!!
And so begins another roller coaster. A ride of grieving and healing which I know will take some time. Some might inadvertently assume that we are ‘out the other side’ or that by having Ethan in some way compensates for the loss of our second twin. Having another baby doesn’t make it any easier to lose a child, but it does give you a reason to keep going. We have Ethan to care for which is wonderful but this sits alongside missing his twin brother everyday and also the worries that come with having a baby so early. The real and immediate needs of Ethan become an easy way to avert the pain but you still experience all the realities of becoming a parent alongside all the realities of becoming a bereaved parent…all in one package.
When you first discover you are having twins, you join an exclusive club where everything becomes “two”. When this is taken away, you grieve for the loss of your child but also for all that being a twin entails. You grieve for the loss of a healthy pregnancy & birth, the lost future with your baby; for memories you never had a chance to create and you grieve on behalf of Ethan for the closeness they will never know. But you have two options when you lose someone. You can give up and merely survive or you can grow stronger in the memory of the baby you loved and live a life to make them proud. This journey has given me strength and endurance that I never imagined to be possible and I plan on using this experience to ensure other families are better off because Luke lived. Already I have found that our loss has inexplicably linked us to other parents in whom I know we have found friends for life.
Ethan is a miracle who has beaten all the odds against him. He is a wonderful brave little boy who already has an amazing little personality. We love him dearly and I know we will face whatever challenges will betide.
I want to thank everyone who has reached out to us during this time. I have been overwhelmed with the many personal emails, letters, flowers, cards, preemie clothes, personalised gifts & homemade food that we came home to every day. We received such genuine and thoughtful acts of kindness from so many of our friends and amazingly from people I had only met briefly or never met at all. Some were so articulate, thoughtful and touching and others were short & simple. But every single little act of kindness and thoughtful gesture brought happiness and warmth back to our hurting hearts. Thank you. 💗
Dylan has been amazing throughout this journey and is just besotted with his little brother. No jealously or secret nipping yet! 😊 Together I know they will be the best of friends. He still asks about Luke often and we don’t ignore this curiosity but explain as clearly as we can at his level of understanding. It has given us the privilege of explaining to him all about heaven. Again we have been touched by the thoughtfulness of those who have sent us little books to help in this process.
And so begins our life with this precious little man who needs us and we cannot wait!! 💙
No 6. The Loudest Silence
Noise is a constant part of Neonatal Intensive Care. Monitors, bleeps, alarms.. Sounds to mark every new life that resides there. My previous preconceived idea of a silent, peaceful quiet place dedicated to healing & growing couldn’t be further from the truth. The nurses work tirelessly on 12 hour shifts. There is always something for them to do; medications to check and administer, blood gases to be taken, infusions to set up, observations to record, nappies to change, continuous hand washing and babies to be repositioned. It really is controlled chaos with the constant noise actually a reassurance there is life. At times however, the loudest sound made in the ICU is the silence which occurs when a baby dies. Curtain dividers are wheeled in or the incubator is moved just next door to a quiet room as the nurses do all they can; silencing alarms; adjusting instruments quietly, to try and shut out all the normal everyday sounds that accompany intensive care. Regrettably we saw this for other parents on a number of occasions and yesterday witnessed this for ourselves.
Until now I have never experienced the profound sadness that comes with losing your child. Luke lost his battle for life with us on Friday 27 February. Safe in the arms of his mummy & daddy he gained his angel wings and flew to his heavenly home.
I didn’t need any assurance of where he was going but in the most amazing experience, I certainly got it. The doctors had given us precious time alone with Luke whilst he was still receiving his medications and still connected to the machine helping him breathe. We cuddled him tight and after quite some time, whispered for him to run to Jesus and in that moment I watched with my own eyes as he went. When the doctor came back to check if we were ready for them to disconnect the support keeping him alive, I told her that it was ok, he had already gone. She was an amazing doctor who gave me a reassuring smile which told me she understood. Luke had indeed gone himself. It was his time as he entered his heavenly home.
So many people have reached out to us and prayed constantly for Luke. I wanted this brief update to be my thank you for this. We are so thankful to have been chosen to be Luke’s mummy and daddy for seven precious weeks. He will always be our little boy. In time Ethan will know all about his identical twin and Dylan about his little brother. Andrew and I have had to learn how to walk this path of sorrow together and it is clear God was with us even throughout our pain. I know we will struggle over the next few days/months/years to navigate this fog of grief but we are so incredibly thankful for the treasured memories we have of all the time we spent with him. Right now we are numb and know we are standing on the shore worrying the tide has gone out, when in reality a tsunami of grief is about to hit us. But we will cling to our memories. He was such a fighter and against all the odds we got to see so much of him and his little personality. He will be forever missed and will always be a special part of our family.
All the doctors & nurses in RVH neonatal ICU are incredible and I will be forever indebted to them for all the love, care and attention they gave to Luke. They feel like part of his extended family as they watched their so called “superstar” beat the odds so many times. They never once gave up and we are so thankful for the precious days, hours and minutes we were able to spend with Luke as a result. The care is second to none… Thank you xx
This is my song for Luke. Xx
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IBHEJtqKjkk
Erica wrote this song after losing her son and reached out to me through email. I want to thank her for sharing it with me personally …in memory of both our sons. Xx
Pictures of Luke ❤️💔❤️
Luke : on the day he was born. Such a lovely head of dark hair.
Luke. In the first week before he got sick. So perfect.
Ethan & Luke
Identical twins forever: Luke & Ethan
💙 This beautiful song will help to get me through the coming weeks, months & years💙 : I am not alone: http://youtu.be/bfveawSAHJA
zoeparks1 